I am so happy with where my life is right now. I have been absolutely blessed in this new job. It is fantastic having a "normal" Monday to Friday schedule. The kids are adjusting well. They weren't 100% convinced at the start when they realized I was actually leaving for work every morning. That trepidation has been quickly overturned by the reality of weekends full of family activities.
As I said, I am so blessed at this time, so why is it that there seems to be this dark shadow that looms over these sunny days? Don't get me wrong. I do not mope around all day, nor do I spend my time wondering how I will make it through the day. No, I have come so far and I am continuing to heal every day.
This darkness is persistent though. I will be driving along when all of a sudden, BAM! I am hit by a wave of shame about my past. I am embarrassed by where I spent my spring. I talk about breaking the stereo type of mental illness, yet I am the worst culprit. I am so ashamed of what happened. I make jokes about how I went crazy to cover my fear of what people may think about me. I worry that people will think less of me if they know that I don't have it all together; that I still see a therapist and a psychiatrist on a regular basis. What would they think if they knew I take hefty doses of anti-depressents every morning with my breakfast?
I don't think that someone with high blood pressure would be embarrassed to go to the pharmacy to pick up his pills. Yet, every time I have to go refill my prescriptions I wonder what the pharmacy tech must be thinking. I worry that I will be labeled as "crazy". I am my own worst enemy.
Everyone likes to talk about changing the stigma of mental illness, but can it really happen? We believe it is okay to take medications for infection and chronic diseases, but so many people are under the impression that you can change a mental illness with the power of positive thinking. This is not so! I firmly believe that as a society we do over-label ourselves as "depressed" or "OCD" or "manic". It is a bit like the extreme overuse of antibiotics.... but that's a whole other topic for another day.
I am even advised that I don't need to tell anyone about what has happened to me. Do we say that to people living with diabetes or heart disease? No. Do I feel like everyone that I meet needs to hear my life's story? Absolutely not. But would it feel good to live in a society where I could say, "Hey I've dealt with major depression and spent some time in the hospital" without worrying about losing friends or having employers worry that you won't be able to do the job? Yes!
Maybe it is me and my over-concern with having to have it all together all of the time. Maybe it is my pride and not being comfortable with the fact that I lost my way for a little while. I do know this, I do not want to be defined by mental illness. I want to be able to advocate and educate. I want feel like I have permission to talk about what has happened to me without fear. I want to hold my head high when I walk into the pharmacy instead of staring at the floor and mumbling my request.
I am changing and growing everyday and this is just another hurdle to overcome. I know that one day I will be free of the burden of my shame and I long for that day. I have an amazing husband and three beautiful babies that need me and I look forward to spending the rest of my life enjoying each day that I am given!
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