So, 2014 is nearly over. I would be lying if I said that it was a great year. It was a year of learning, of change, and of growth. I have seen dark days and I have met kindness and caring from strangers. 2014 was a year that I have no desire to repeat. I am looking forward to a new year and all that 2015 will have to offer.
Some highlights of 2014: Seeing Asher develop into a spunky 2 year old with an ever-growing vocabulary, Akira competing in her first gymnastics meet, Isaac gaining independence and getting to ride his bike to and from friends houses, and Simon and I getting to have a mini vacation alone thanks to a very, very generous and kind neighbour. I got a girl's weekend in Bangor to do some shopping. And though it came a little late, we all had a great Christmas.
2014 had it's dark moments as well. I don't want to dwell on the darkness, but simply acknowledge that there was many a dark hour over the year. There still are dark days, but I have a support network that is there to hold me up when I can't stand on my own.
2015 is going to be a good year! Tomorrow morning I will be starting a new lifestyle. I will be doing the whole30. I admit that I am a skeptic when it comes to people's claims that this or that has changed their lives. I have been following a woman on Instagram for over a year and the change has been impressive and lasting. I figure I can do anything for 30 days, right?
I have filled my fridge full of fresh fruits and veggies and we have lots of yummy meat in the fridge and freezer. I was most worried about having to give up my cream in my coffee, so I figured I'd try it black this morning to see if I was going to survive. *shock* After the first swallow, I found that I actually don't mind black coffee. I made my first batch of ghee tonight (it's butter that has been boiled to remove the milk proteins). I am actually looking forward to this new adventure.
I am also planning to get back on the wagon when it comes to exercise. I've been really slack over the last month, which does nothing good for my mental health. I have joined the aquatics centre and will begin swimming. My good friend Andrea has put the bug in my ear about trying to do a sprint distance triathlon. I think it will be fun.... now if someone would just buy me a bike!
So, farewell 2014. I will not miss you. Hello 2015, let's make the best of what we have.
Sunday 28 December 2014
Saturday 6 December 2014
Happy Birthday Asher
Yesterday we celebrated the 2nd birthday of Asher. My amazing, crazy, fun loving little man. He, like all my kids arrived in his own time and not when he was "due". He was actually the earliest of my late babies at only five days overdue. I must admit that after carrying three babies past term, I will never say to another mama "You mean you still haven't had that baby yet?".
Asher may have been late, but when he did decide to arrive he came in a hurry. I was only on labour and delivery for about 30 minutes before he made his entrance. We didn't know his gender before he was born, so it was so exciting to find out that he was a he! We also hadn't settled on a name, but had a list of favourites. Once we saw his little face, we knew he was Asher.
I loved him when he was growing inside of me, but the depth of love that comes in that moment that they place that warm, wet infant on your chest is beyond measure. Asher gave us a glimpse into his impish personality while snuggled on my chest... he decided that my belly was an ideal place to have his first poop. At least I was able to get up to the shower and let Simon have some bonding time.
Every parent worries that a new addition to the family will not be well received by the other siblings. Isaac and Akira accepted Asher with open arms and never looked back. They both love playing with him and teaching him new words (potty humour being at the top of their list to teach him). The bond between Akira and Asher is incredibly strong. He loves snuggling up in sissy's bed while she reads to him. I'm sure the day will come that she is too grown up to want to play with her little brother, but I'm going to soak up the memories until that day arrives.
Asher's arrival made for many changes in our lives. We went back to sleepless nights and the need to care for a tiny human who is completely dependent. It was a time of discovery. I found AppleCheeks cloth diapers and met a whole community of amazing moms. I have watched their children grow, shared their joy, felt their sorrow, and realized we are all a little crazy over fluffy bums.
I am so excited to see what this year will bring for my little man. In the past year he has developed a huge vocabulary, gone from an unsteady, wobbly walk to a full on run, he has developed a love of swimming and is fearless in the pool, he has gone from diapers to big boy underwear, and he has discovered how to use the word NO with great enthusiasm.
Asher is likely my last baby and I am so thankful for him. He is full of life and laughter. I want to cherish every precious moment of being his mom. I don't have many years of feeling the warm weight of him sleeping on my chest and I'm going to soak them up! Happy birthday Asher!!
New Born Pictures with Carla
First birthday pictures with Carla
Happy second birthday buddy!
Welcome to the world Asher Paul
Brothers
First cuddles with Sissy
Asher may have been late, but when he did decide to arrive he came in a hurry. I was only on labour and delivery for about 30 minutes before he made his entrance. We didn't know his gender before he was born, so it was so exciting to find out that he was a he! We also hadn't settled on a name, but had a list of favourites. Once we saw his little face, we knew he was Asher.
I loved him when he was growing inside of me, but the depth of love that comes in that moment that they place that warm, wet infant on your chest is beyond measure. Asher gave us a glimpse into his impish personality while snuggled on my chest... he decided that my belly was an ideal place to have his first poop. At least I was able to get up to the shower and let Simon have some bonding time.
Every parent worries that a new addition to the family will not be well received by the other siblings. Isaac and Akira accepted Asher with open arms and never looked back. They both love playing with him and teaching him new words (potty humour being at the top of their list to teach him). The bond between Akira and Asher is incredibly strong. He loves snuggling up in sissy's bed while she reads to him. I'm sure the day will come that she is too grown up to want to play with her little brother, but I'm going to soak up the memories until that day arrives.
Asher's arrival made for many changes in our lives. We went back to sleepless nights and the need to care for a tiny human who is completely dependent. It was a time of discovery. I found AppleCheeks cloth diapers and met a whole community of amazing moms. I have watched their children grow, shared their joy, felt their sorrow, and realized we are all a little crazy over fluffy bums.
I am so excited to see what this year will bring for my little man. In the past year he has developed a huge vocabulary, gone from an unsteady, wobbly walk to a full on run, he has developed a love of swimming and is fearless in the pool, he has gone from diapers to big boy underwear, and he has discovered how to use the word NO with great enthusiasm.
Asher is likely my last baby and I am so thankful for him. He is full of life and laughter. I want to cherish every precious moment of being his mom. I don't have many years of feeling the warm weight of him sleeping on my chest and I'm going to soak them up! Happy birthday Asher!!
Tuesday 18 November 2014
My Little Gymnast
So I am not a mama who is inclined to live vicariously through my kids. I have let them try out various sports to see what they like. We always made them finish the season or session even if they didn't like what they were doing, because it is important that kids learn to finish what they start. So, when Akira wanted to start gymnastics, I didn't hold hope that it would last any longer than her other activities.
BUT, we are now in year three and she is gearing up for her first meet in a few weeks. She has had days when she is tired and doesn't want to go, but at the end of class she always tells me it was "awesome" or the "best day ever".
It has been fun watching her progress from barley being able to do a back bend, to being able to walk the length of the gym floor while in a back bend. She has worked so hard and she almost has a perfect split on her "good" leg. She says her favourite apparatus is bars. Soft, girlie hands she has not. This girls hands are tough and full of calluses.
If you have known me since I was wee you know that I did a bit of gymnastics as a kiddo. I don't think Akira really thought too much about it until last week when a package arrived from Grammy. when she opened it up she found my old competition leotard and track suit. She was thrilled and tried everything on right away.
When I went to pick her up today, there she was all decked out in '80s blue looking like a little rockstar. She was so proud to be wearing my old gear. It was pretty cute. So, while I'm not going to live out some crazy Olympic dream through my little girl, I am so proud to see her working so hard and sticking to something even when it isn't easy. I love you little girl!
She still has to hit the books even after 3 hours of training! She's a trooper.
BUT, we are now in year three and she is gearing up for her first meet in a few weeks. She has had days when she is tired and doesn't want to go, but at the end of class she always tells me it was "awesome" or the "best day ever".
It has been fun watching her progress from barley being able to do a back bend, to being able to walk the length of the gym floor while in a back bend. She has worked so hard and she almost has a perfect split on her "good" leg. She says her favourite apparatus is bars. Soft, girlie hands she has not. This girls hands are tough and full of calluses.
If you have known me since I was wee you know that I did a bit of gymnastics as a kiddo. I don't think Akira really thought too much about it until last week when a package arrived from Grammy. when she opened it up she found my old competition leotard and track suit. She was thrilled and tried everything on right away.
When I went to pick her up today, there she was all decked out in '80s blue looking like a little rockstar. She was so proud to be wearing my old gear. It was pretty cute. So, while I'm not going to live out some crazy Olympic dream through my little girl, I am so proud to see her working so hard and sticking to something even when it isn't easy. I love you little girl!
Tuesday 11 November 2014
Lest We Forget
Today is the day set aside to remember and honour those who have fought and served to give us the freedom we enjoy today. I was fortunate to be able to attend a remembrance day ceremony with my family. When I told the kids a few days ago that we would be going, the announcement was not quite met with the enthusiasm I would have liked...
We did manage to get everyone on board and out the door on time (yay). It was heartwarming to see the Q-plex filled to capacity with people of all ages out to honour our soldiers. I think what meant the most to me was seeing the families that were out with young kids. As a parent of young, fidgety people myself, I know what a challenge it can be to come to an event that is meant to be quiet and solemn.
I was proud to be counted among those who had little people wearing poppies and asking questions about what was going on. Simon did have to make an exit a time or two with Asher who couldn't quite make it through without being chatty (although he did manage to stay hushed for the two minutes of silence). I think it is so important that families continue to bring there kids to this ceremony and pass on to the next generation the knowledge and respect that is so deserving the brave men and women who served to keep us strong and free. So to those who may have been a bit put off by the wiggling and not so quiet whispers, be kind, be patient, and be thankful that these families care enough to bring there little ones to this event.
I am a proud daughter, granddaughter, niece, cousin, and sister in law to men who have stepped up to serve. Not every member of my family was called to serve in war, but those who did returned with physical and mental scars and memories that they may not want. I am so grateful for what they did. So today, and every day remember them, lest we forget.
We did manage to get everyone on board and out the door on time (yay). It was heartwarming to see the Q-plex filled to capacity with people of all ages out to honour our soldiers. I think what meant the most to me was seeing the families that were out with young kids. As a parent of young, fidgety people myself, I know what a challenge it can be to come to an event that is meant to be quiet and solemn.
I was proud to be counted among those who had little people wearing poppies and asking questions about what was going on. Simon did have to make an exit a time or two with Asher who couldn't quite make it through without being chatty (although he did manage to stay hushed for the two minutes of silence). I think it is so important that families continue to bring there kids to this ceremony and pass on to the next generation the knowledge and respect that is so deserving the brave men and women who served to keep us strong and free. So to those who may have been a bit put off by the wiggling and not so quiet whispers, be kind, be patient, and be thankful that these families care enough to bring there little ones to this event.
I am a proud daughter, granddaughter, niece, cousin, and sister in law to men who have stepped up to serve. Not every member of my family was called to serve in war, but those who did returned with physical and mental scars and memories that they may not want. I am so grateful for what they did. So today, and every day remember them, lest we forget.
Sunday 2 November 2014
Another Year Older
To say that my 36th year of life was eventful would be an understatement. I fell into the dark hole of depression. I spent weeks on the psychiatric ward learning to heal and to cope with the realities of life. I found a new job that fits me like a glove. I discovered how deep my husbands love for me runs. I learned to enjoy every moment with my precious kids and I have learned cuddles on the couch supersede the need to vacuum the floor. And the most important event of this year for me was finding a church family that has taken me in and is helping me walk on my journey.
I am fortunate to have been able to spend a weekend lounging in a hotel and shopping with a sweet friend. I had to laugh when I woke up this morning though, it looks like my 37th year is going to start off eventful as well. I peeked out the window only to discover snow!
The winter wonderland didn't deter Erica and I from hitting the mall. It did however make for a very entertaining day. You would think that two Canadian girls would be prepared for the winter, right? Ha! I have no snow brush, no shovel, and I still have my summer tires on. Neither of us had gloves or winter boots either. We discovered that the men in Maine are very willing to help a girl out. We were shovelled out, pushed out, and plowed out by a few good men.
We're now back tucked safely in the hotel, a few bucks poorer and a few bags heavier. Pizza should be arriving soon and I've got a load of tasty munchies waiting to be nibbled on. All in all it has been a fantastic day. I will return home rested and relaxed and ready to hit the ground running again.
I am truly blessed and I am really looking forward to seeing what 37 has in store for me. It's going to be a great year!
I am fortunate to have been able to spend a weekend lounging in a hotel and shopping with a sweet friend. I had to laugh when I woke up this morning though, it looks like my 37th year is going to start off eventful as well. I peeked out the window only to discover snow!
The winter wonderland didn't deter Erica and I from hitting the mall. It did however make for a very entertaining day. You would think that two Canadian girls would be prepared for the winter, right? Ha! I have no snow brush, no shovel, and I still have my summer tires on. Neither of us had gloves or winter boots either. We discovered that the men in Maine are very willing to help a girl out. We were shovelled out, pushed out, and plowed out by a few good men.
We're now back tucked safely in the hotel, a few bucks poorer and a few bags heavier. Pizza should be arriving soon and I've got a load of tasty munchies waiting to be nibbled on. All in all it has been a fantastic day. I will return home rested and relaxed and ready to hit the ground running again.
I am truly blessed and I am really looking forward to seeing what 37 has in store for me. It's going to be a great year!
Wednesday 22 October 2014
We Told the Truth
Since the kids were itty bitty we've always told them that being honest is more important than whatever they may have done. This concept wasn't always easy for them. Isaac hates to let anyone down, so he would resort to lying if he thought he would get into trouble. After repeatedly assuring him that the truth was far more important, he now usually picks taking the consequence of his actions over the consequences for lying.
Akira also has her battles with honesty. She cares far less about letting people down as she cares about getting in trouble. She is an excellent tale teller and it is usually fairly easy to tell her fairy tales from the truth. She is also coming along in her journey towards honesty. She has very creative mind and Simon and I are encouraging her to express that creativity through art and writing rather than weaving elaborate tales to frame her brothers for her misadventures!
Asher hasn't stumbled into the stage of telling tales just yet. He is all about the word "mine" and "top it mommy, top it sissy, top it Isaac". His day will come as it does with every little person.
It began to weigh really heavy on my mind and on my heart that if telling the truth is so important, why are we weaving webs of deception at Christmas and Easter? Isaac is 8, so I don't think it would be completely unexpected if someone in his class spills the beans about Santa. What is my response? "I know we've told you how important being honest is, but we spent your life up until this point lying to you"...
Simon and I sat down one night and had the conversation about what we were going to do. We came to the decision that we were going to tell the kids that Santa isn't real. I really didn't know how they were going to handle it. I started the conversation with a recap about telling the truth and then I told them that we hadn't been honest with them. I told them that Santa doesn't actually come around to houses on every Christmas. I told them it doesn't mean we won't celebrate and we can still go to Santa parades and even write letters to Santa if they want.
Akira's first response was, "Will we still get the same amount of presents?" Typical Akira. Isaac wanted to know who bought the presents that said they were from Santa. Little miss was quickly done with the conversation, seemingly unaffected and ready for the next big thing. Isaac, in classic Isaac form, needs time to adjust to change and to new ideas. He needed multiple hugs and reassurance that we could talk as much as he needed to. By the next day, he too had moved on and was ready for action.
I know there are many who will disagree with what we did, but I am happy we did it. I want to lead my kids by example, so for me, this meant coming clean about Santa. Not to worry, the kids were given strict instruction no to talk about their revelation with their friends, as not to spoil Christmas for anyone.
Akira also has her battles with honesty. She cares far less about letting people down as she cares about getting in trouble. She is an excellent tale teller and it is usually fairly easy to tell her fairy tales from the truth. She is also coming along in her journey towards honesty. She has very creative mind and Simon and I are encouraging her to express that creativity through art and writing rather than weaving elaborate tales to frame her brothers for her misadventures!
Asher hasn't stumbled into the stage of telling tales just yet. He is all about the word "mine" and "top it mommy, top it sissy, top it Isaac". His day will come as it does with every little person.
It began to weigh really heavy on my mind and on my heart that if telling the truth is so important, why are we weaving webs of deception at Christmas and Easter? Isaac is 8, so I don't think it would be completely unexpected if someone in his class spills the beans about Santa. What is my response? "I know we've told you how important being honest is, but we spent your life up until this point lying to you"...
Simon and I sat down one night and had the conversation about what we were going to do. We came to the decision that we were going to tell the kids that Santa isn't real. I really didn't know how they were going to handle it. I started the conversation with a recap about telling the truth and then I told them that we hadn't been honest with them. I told them that Santa doesn't actually come around to houses on every Christmas. I told them it doesn't mean we won't celebrate and we can still go to Santa parades and even write letters to Santa if they want.
Akira's first response was, "Will we still get the same amount of presents?" Typical Akira. Isaac wanted to know who bought the presents that said they were from Santa. Little miss was quickly done with the conversation, seemingly unaffected and ready for the next big thing. Isaac, in classic Isaac form, needs time to adjust to change and to new ideas. He needed multiple hugs and reassurance that we could talk as much as he needed to. By the next day, he too had moved on and was ready for action.
I know there are many who will disagree with what we did, but I am happy we did it. I want to lead my kids by example, so for me, this meant coming clean about Santa. Not to worry, the kids were given strict instruction no to talk about their revelation with their friends, as not to spoil Christmas for anyone.
Tuesday 7 October 2014
Out of the Shadow and into the Light
I have battled dark thoughts all of my life. As I have talked about in previous posts, I am no stranger to depression nor its debilitating effects. I have spent a great deal of time trying to find joy and satisfaction in my job, my kids, and my husband. All of those things make me happy and make me laugh, but there was always a dark shadow on my heart.
I have had experiences in relationships that made me so angry and so dead inside. My heart had turned to stone. I came to a point just before my time in the hospital that I felt unable to experience any kind of emotion. I was walking in a haze through life just trying to stay alive, until I just couldn't do it any more.
During my stay in the hospital, my two dear neighbors Andrea and Beth came to visit bearing treats and card games. It was hard to see them the first time they visited, but it was nice to just play a game with friendly faces and forget about where I was and why I was there for just a little while. They also brought books about escaping from the darkness where I was that were Bible based. I immediately put the books on the shelf, because I believe God had "left the building" so to speak and left me to rot on my own.
Part of the team approach on the psychiatric ward is spiritual care. It became apparent to everyone who spent time with me that I had a spiritual conflict going on and I needed to decide if God was in my future or not. This was one aspect of my care that I was not ready to deal with prior to my discharge from the hospital.
While I had been in the hospital, Andrea had been taking my kids to church. They seemed to enjoy it and I wanted to let them continue if they wanted to. I was not eager to return to church, so I spent several weeks making promises to the kids that we would go and then making excuses when we didn't. We had previously gone to a different church and enjoyed it, but the kids really seemed to click with Kings Valley.
After much internal debate and struggle, I decided to bite the bullet and check out Andrea's church. I was half nervous and half on the defense on that first Sunday. I was on the look out for fake people. I was waiting for judgement and thinking, "if they knew who I was and what I have done, there is no way they would want me in here". I saw nothing but friendly faces and I was impressed by the "realness" of the pastor's message.
Fast forward to last week's post... I have been enjoying going to church and I even had started to read my Bible a bit in the mornings, but there was still that deep sense of shame hanging over me. I really believed that this was as good as it was going to get. Little did I know what was waiting for me.
Pastor Brent spoke on Sunday about giving to God. Of course I knew about giving financially and about giving time, and talent, etc. But like an arrow to my heart, I had the thought about handing over my sense of shame and condemnation. You see, as much as I hated the feeling of defeat and shame, I clung to it like a security blanket because it was familiar and safe. Tears of fear and excitement flooded my eyes. Could I really give this to God and feel free?
I went to the front of the church and began to pray that the Lord would open my hands, so that I could let go of the condemnation that I was holding on to. There was no booming voice from heaven nor flashes of lightening. There was simply a sweet sense of peace and a spark of joy where there had once been only dark and hurt and fear.
I know this doesn't mean that I won't still struggle and that there won't be days that are challenging. The difference now is that I have made a decision that I don't need to hold onto all of that crap from the past. I remind myself everyday that it isn't my burden to carry anymore. I know being a Christian brings negative thoughts immediately to the minds of many, but I hope to live my life in a way that is gracious and compassionate.
I am still me. I still like boxing and reading and goofing off with my kids. I just have made a choice that I want to walk the rest of this life with the Lord, who will carry my pain for me. I choose eternal joy over momentary happiness. I don't want to worry any longer about being who I think other people want me to be and start living the life I was meant to live.
Wednesday 1 October 2014
Walking in a Shadow
I am so happy with where my life is right now. I have been absolutely blessed in this new job. It is fantastic having a "normal" Monday to Friday schedule. The kids are adjusting well. They weren't 100% convinced at the start when they realized I was actually leaving for work every morning. That trepidation has been quickly overturned by the reality of weekends full of family activities.
As I said, I am so blessed at this time, so why is it that there seems to be this dark shadow that looms over these sunny days? Don't get me wrong. I do not mope around all day, nor do I spend my time wondering how I will make it through the day. No, I have come so far and I am continuing to heal every day.
This darkness is persistent though. I will be driving along when all of a sudden, BAM! I am hit by a wave of shame about my past. I am embarrassed by where I spent my spring. I talk about breaking the stereo type of mental illness, yet I am the worst culprit. I am so ashamed of what happened. I make jokes about how I went crazy to cover my fear of what people may think about me. I worry that people will think less of me if they know that I don't have it all together; that I still see a therapist and a psychiatrist on a regular basis. What would they think if they knew I take hefty doses of anti-depressents every morning with my breakfast?
I don't think that someone with high blood pressure would be embarrassed to go to the pharmacy to pick up his pills. Yet, every time I have to go refill my prescriptions I wonder what the pharmacy tech must be thinking. I worry that I will be labeled as "crazy". I am my own worst enemy.
Everyone likes to talk about changing the stigma of mental illness, but can it really happen? We believe it is okay to take medications for infection and chronic diseases, but so many people are under the impression that you can change a mental illness with the power of positive thinking. This is not so! I firmly believe that as a society we do over-label ourselves as "depressed" or "OCD" or "manic". It is a bit like the extreme overuse of antibiotics.... but that's a whole other topic for another day.
I am even advised that I don't need to tell anyone about what has happened to me. Do we say that to people living with diabetes or heart disease? No. Do I feel like everyone that I meet needs to hear my life's story? Absolutely not. But would it feel good to live in a society where I could say, "Hey I've dealt with major depression and spent some time in the hospital" without worrying about losing friends or having employers worry that you won't be able to do the job? Yes!
Maybe it is me and my over-concern with having to have it all together all of the time. Maybe it is my pride and not being comfortable with the fact that I lost my way for a little while. I do know this, I do not want to be defined by mental illness. I want to be able to advocate and educate. I want feel like I have permission to talk about what has happened to me without fear. I want to hold my head high when I walk into the pharmacy instead of staring at the floor and mumbling my request.
I am changing and growing everyday and this is just another hurdle to overcome. I know that one day I will be free of the burden of my shame and I long for that day. I have an amazing husband and three beautiful babies that need me and I look forward to spending the rest of my life enjoying each day that I am given!
As I said, I am so blessed at this time, so why is it that there seems to be this dark shadow that looms over these sunny days? Don't get me wrong. I do not mope around all day, nor do I spend my time wondering how I will make it through the day. No, I have come so far and I am continuing to heal every day.
This darkness is persistent though. I will be driving along when all of a sudden, BAM! I am hit by a wave of shame about my past. I am embarrassed by where I spent my spring. I talk about breaking the stereo type of mental illness, yet I am the worst culprit. I am so ashamed of what happened. I make jokes about how I went crazy to cover my fear of what people may think about me. I worry that people will think less of me if they know that I don't have it all together; that I still see a therapist and a psychiatrist on a regular basis. What would they think if they knew I take hefty doses of anti-depressents every morning with my breakfast?
I don't think that someone with high blood pressure would be embarrassed to go to the pharmacy to pick up his pills. Yet, every time I have to go refill my prescriptions I wonder what the pharmacy tech must be thinking. I worry that I will be labeled as "crazy". I am my own worst enemy.
Everyone likes to talk about changing the stigma of mental illness, but can it really happen? We believe it is okay to take medications for infection and chronic diseases, but so many people are under the impression that you can change a mental illness with the power of positive thinking. This is not so! I firmly believe that as a society we do over-label ourselves as "depressed" or "OCD" or "manic". It is a bit like the extreme overuse of antibiotics.... but that's a whole other topic for another day.
I am even advised that I don't need to tell anyone about what has happened to me. Do we say that to people living with diabetes or heart disease? No. Do I feel like everyone that I meet needs to hear my life's story? Absolutely not. But would it feel good to live in a society where I could say, "Hey I've dealt with major depression and spent some time in the hospital" without worrying about losing friends or having employers worry that you won't be able to do the job? Yes!
Maybe it is me and my over-concern with having to have it all together all of the time. Maybe it is my pride and not being comfortable with the fact that I lost my way for a little while. I do know this, I do not want to be defined by mental illness. I want to be able to advocate and educate. I want feel like I have permission to talk about what has happened to me without fear. I want to hold my head high when I walk into the pharmacy instead of staring at the floor and mumbling my request.
I am changing and growing everyday and this is just another hurdle to overcome. I know that one day I will be free of the burden of my shame and I long for that day. I have an amazing husband and three beautiful babies that need me and I look forward to spending the rest of my life enjoying each day that I am given!
Wednesday 10 September 2014
It Must Be Love
Today marks the three year anniversary of the day that Simon and I said, "I do". We dated for three years prior to that which puts us at six years of learning and loving. Again, this blog isn't about sob stories or drama, but I want to be real. Simon is an amazing man and I am so thankful that he decided to take a chance on me.
I have had a rough time in the past relationships and life has not always been easy. When Simon and I began dating I was beginning my third year of nursing school. I was living with my two little munchkins in a housing complex for abused women. I was learning to support myself and my kids and figure out who I was on my own. In short, I was a hot mess.
Simon has been patient and kind and he has put up with so much. I want to take a moment to brag on this man. Simon was a long term bachelor. He was used to a comfortable single life with the ability to come and go as he wanted and he didn't need to worry about anyone else's schedule when making plans. He willingly gave up this life to become not only to be a husband, but a father to two children who weren't biologically his.
Simon not only stepped up to the plate, but he hit the ball out of the park. He not only said "I do" to me, but he said "I will" to a family. He has taken on school lunches, sitting up with sick kids during the night, changing dirty diapers, and settling sibling disputes with a kindness and patience that I often lack. With the birth of Asher, his biological baby, I was concerned that somehow, someway he would love Isaac and Akira just a little less. The only thing that has changed is that he now shares his heart with three instead of two.
Finally, I want to say thank you to this man who has been by my side as I fell into a dark hole and who has held my hand as I am finding my way out the other side. Simon is my friend and my partner for life. He gave me the security to finally give myself permission to fall apart and begin to heal all the hurts of the past.
I love him today, tomorrow and for always.
I have had a rough time in the past relationships and life has not always been easy. When Simon and I began dating I was beginning my third year of nursing school. I was living with my two little munchkins in a housing complex for abused women. I was learning to support myself and my kids and figure out who I was on my own. In short, I was a hot mess.
Simon has been patient and kind and he has put up with so much. I want to take a moment to brag on this man. Simon was a long term bachelor. He was used to a comfortable single life with the ability to come and go as he wanted and he didn't need to worry about anyone else's schedule when making plans. He willingly gave up this life to become not only to be a husband, but a father to two children who weren't biologically his.
Simon not only stepped up to the plate, but he hit the ball out of the park. He not only said "I do" to me, but he said "I will" to a family. He has taken on school lunches, sitting up with sick kids during the night, changing dirty diapers, and settling sibling disputes with a kindness and patience that I often lack. With the birth of Asher, his biological baby, I was concerned that somehow, someway he would love Isaac and Akira just a little less. The only thing that has changed is that he now shares his heart with three instead of two.
Finally, I want to say thank you to this man who has been by my side as I fell into a dark hole and who has held my hand as I am finding my way out the other side. Simon is my friend and my partner for life. He gave me the security to finally give myself permission to fall apart and begin to heal all the hurts of the past.
I love him today, tomorrow and for always.
Sunday 31 August 2014
Back To School
It is hard to believe it, but the week of back to school has arrived. Summer seemed at times to fly by, and other days seem to crawl by at a snails pace (mom, I'm bored). The hardest fact for me to digest is that my Isaac is headed into grade 3. I feel like I was just dropping him off for his first day of kindergarden and now he is one of the "big kids" in the school.
My princess is going off to grade 1. She is eager to get back to her friends and her social life after a summer of playing with Isaac and his friends. Akira will continue with her gymnastics training and is up to 8 hours per week. We shall see what this school year has in store for the little diva!
I am looking forward to getting back to the routine of the school year. It will be especially nice now that I have a set schedule and will not have to worry about sleeping for a night shift or trying to arrange childcare for an evening shift. I will be honest and say that I, as I am sure is true of most parents, am really not looking forward to making lunches every day.
I would love to say that I am one of those amazing moms who make beautiful lunches with cute sandwiches cut into shapes- I know you moms are out there and I admire you all so much! It's my goal to pack a healthy lunch that the kids will eat. It sounds so simple, but when you think of the things that you aren't allowed to send to the classroom it can get challenging. I don't know about your kids, but mine go through phases where they will eat absolutely anything and the lunch bag comes home empty every day and then BAM they don't want to eat anything I send...
I will also need to get organized for suppers this year. It is my goal to plan a menu at the beginning of the week so that Simon and I both know what's going on and there won't be any last minute, "Oh no, what are we going to eat tonight". I find when I don't plan in advance we end up eating over processed, under flavoured junk. I want to try to avoid that trap this school year. I generally think of myself as an organized person, so I hope I can carry that through all parts of life and make some scrumptious suppers.
Fall is in the air and change is on the horizon. Here's to a school year packed with health, laughter, and the comfort of a set schedule.
My princess is going off to grade 1. She is eager to get back to her friends and her social life after a summer of playing with Isaac and his friends. Akira will continue with her gymnastics training and is up to 8 hours per week. We shall see what this school year has in store for the little diva!
I am looking forward to getting back to the routine of the school year. It will be especially nice now that I have a set schedule and will not have to worry about sleeping for a night shift or trying to arrange childcare for an evening shift. I will be honest and say that I, as I am sure is true of most parents, am really not looking forward to making lunches every day.
I would love to say that I am one of those amazing moms who make beautiful lunches with cute sandwiches cut into shapes- I know you moms are out there and I admire you all so much! It's my goal to pack a healthy lunch that the kids will eat. It sounds so simple, but when you think of the things that you aren't allowed to send to the classroom it can get challenging. I don't know about your kids, but mine go through phases where they will eat absolutely anything and the lunch bag comes home empty every day and then BAM they don't want to eat anything I send...
I will also need to get organized for suppers this year. It is my goal to plan a menu at the beginning of the week so that Simon and I both know what's going on and there won't be any last minute, "Oh no, what are we going to eat tonight". I find when I don't plan in advance we end up eating over processed, under flavoured junk. I want to try to avoid that trap this school year. I generally think of myself as an organized person, so I hope I can carry that through all parts of life and make some scrumptious suppers.
Fall is in the air and change is on the horizon. Here's to a school year packed with health, laughter, and the comfort of a set schedule.
Sunday 17 August 2014
New Adventures
I have been an ER nurse since I graduated from nursing school in 2010. I have worked in the Saint John ER since 2008. I love everything about being an ER nurse. I thrive on the adrenalin rush and the uncertainty of what a shift might bring. I have seen sights I wish I hadn't and smelled odours that would turn the hardiest of stomaches. Tomorrow marks the day that I leave the comfort zone of chaos and start a new adventure.
I will be heading up the hill from the hospital to Dalhousie Medicine New Brunswick for a one year term as the simulated patient educator. It will be strange to leave the world of comfy scrubs and ponytails for business attire and my hair done as good as it gets (yay curls). I love bedside nursing and seeing people go from crisis to feeling well, but I also enjoy teaching. I have been helping out with simulations in the ER for the last year and I absolutely love it!
I admit I don't like change and my mind has been running a mile a minute since I received the call that I had been chosen for the position. I have been working as a casual in emerg since my discharge from the hospital. Choosing my own schedule definitely has its perks, but having a consistent income will also be fantastic. Another big bonus with this new job is regular hours, no more night shift and no more house with two shift workers trying to juggle shifts!
I have seen so many amazing things working in the ER. I have seen tiny babies fighting for life, I have watched seniors as they take their final breath on this earth surrounded by family, I have seen all kinds of strange objects in places they don't belong. I have cried with patients, laughed with patients, and lost my temper a time or two. I have had to take a moment to settle my nerves before performing a new procedure, I have had to bite my tongue when I really wanted to speak my mind, and I have learned to stand up for those who are too afraid to stand up for themselves. I have been a part of an amazing team of nurses, doctors, and support staff. Our ER is like a big (though highly dysfunctional at times) family. I will miss being part of the day to day life of this family, but I know I'll be back!
So here's to change and trying new things. Tomorrow is the start of new adventures and new co-workers. It is a day to face my fear of what is new and step with confidence and willingness to learn a new role.
I will be heading up the hill from the hospital to Dalhousie Medicine New Brunswick for a one year term as the simulated patient educator. It will be strange to leave the world of comfy scrubs and ponytails for business attire and my hair done as good as it gets (yay curls). I love bedside nursing and seeing people go from crisis to feeling well, but I also enjoy teaching. I have been helping out with simulations in the ER for the last year and I absolutely love it!
I admit I don't like change and my mind has been running a mile a minute since I received the call that I had been chosen for the position. I have been working as a casual in emerg since my discharge from the hospital. Choosing my own schedule definitely has its perks, but having a consistent income will also be fantastic. Another big bonus with this new job is regular hours, no more night shift and no more house with two shift workers trying to juggle shifts!
I have seen so many amazing things working in the ER. I have seen tiny babies fighting for life, I have watched seniors as they take their final breath on this earth surrounded by family, I have seen all kinds of strange objects in places they don't belong. I have cried with patients, laughed with patients, and lost my temper a time or two. I have had to take a moment to settle my nerves before performing a new procedure, I have had to bite my tongue when I really wanted to speak my mind, and I have learned to stand up for those who are too afraid to stand up for themselves. I have been a part of an amazing team of nurses, doctors, and support staff. Our ER is like a big (though highly dysfunctional at times) family. I will miss being part of the day to day life of this family, but I know I'll be back!
So here's to change and trying new things. Tomorrow is the start of new adventures and new co-workers. It is a day to face my fear of what is new and step with confidence and willingness to learn a new role.
Monday 28 July 2014
2 Months Later
It has been about 2 months since my discharge from the hospital. The easy answer when I'm asked how I'm doing is always, "fine" or "great". I admit there was a definite honeymoon phase after I got home where I felt like I was on cloud nine and that I could conquer the world. I was confident that I had beat the beast and that life was going to be a breeze.
The reality is that depression really stinks. I am so incredibly blessed with 3 beautiful, healthy kids and with a husband who is so supportive. He managed to care for all the kids and get them to all their activities for 10 weeks while I worked on getting well. So why is it that I still battle every day with depression?
It is hard to explain what it's like to be in the head of someone who suffers from a mental illness. Like I said I am incredibly blessed, so why do I feel like I can't make it through another day sometimes? It makes me feel guilty, which causes me to feel even worse; it is a vicious cycle. I look at the faces of my sweet baby (okay so not such a baby anymore) and think why can't I just snap out of this? Why can't I just feel good?
I don't have all of the answers and I know that I probably never will. What I do know is that I can't give up. I have to get myself up everyday, take my meds and fight, fight, fight. I no longer live in the delusion that life will be rainbows and unicorns everyday. I know that I need to work it out with my counsellor, take my medication, be honest with those around me who love me and support me, and never give up.
I don't like posts on facebook full of drama or posts that fish for sympathy. What I hope comes of "putting myself out there" a little bit is that the nasty stigma that surrounds mental health will be reduced. I like to keep the blog full of life and share with you my family and all of the goofy things that make us who we are. Every once in awhile, I will get real and share a bit of my story.
Most people when they think of mental illness they picture someone talking to themselves or rocking in a corner. You never know who around you may be battling depression or anxiety or bi-polar, etc. I am a wife, a mother, a nurse and I have a mental illness. Be kind to those around you, treat others the way that you would like to be treated. Thank you to all of you who have been so supportive in this journey! xoxo
The reality is that depression really stinks. I am so incredibly blessed with 3 beautiful, healthy kids and with a husband who is so supportive. He managed to care for all the kids and get them to all their activities for 10 weeks while I worked on getting well. So why is it that I still battle every day with depression?
It is hard to explain what it's like to be in the head of someone who suffers from a mental illness. Like I said I am incredibly blessed, so why do I feel like I can't make it through another day sometimes? It makes me feel guilty, which causes me to feel even worse; it is a vicious cycle. I look at the faces of my sweet baby (okay so not such a baby anymore) and think why can't I just snap out of this? Why can't I just feel good?
I don't have all of the answers and I know that I probably never will. What I do know is that I can't give up. I have to get myself up everyday, take my meds and fight, fight, fight. I no longer live in the delusion that life will be rainbows and unicorns everyday. I know that I need to work it out with my counsellor, take my medication, be honest with those around me who love me and support me, and never give up.
I don't like posts on facebook full of drama or posts that fish for sympathy. What I hope comes of "putting myself out there" a little bit is that the nasty stigma that surrounds mental health will be reduced. I like to keep the blog full of life and share with you my family and all of the goofy things that make us who we are. Every once in awhile, I will get real and share a bit of my story.
Most people when they think of mental illness they picture someone talking to themselves or rocking in a corner. You never know who around you may be battling depression or anxiety or bi-polar, etc. I am a wife, a mother, a nurse and I have a mental illness. Be kind to those around you, treat others the way that you would like to be treated. Thank you to all of you who have been so supportive in this journey! xoxo
Wednesday 9 July 2014
And Asher Makes 3
Last, but not least is the "baby". Asher really isn't much of baby anymore and lately seems to act more like a 2 year old than the 19 month old that he is. As with all of my sweet babes, he brings light and life into our family.
I was overdue with all of my kids and Asher was no exception. He made up for his 5 day delay by arriving in a hurry! I went into labour around 4:30pm and I was holding him in my arms before 6:30pm. I was in labour and delivery for under 30 minutes before he arrived. We hadn't decided 100% on a name, nor did we know the gender prior to his arrival, but once they placed him on my chest, we knew he was our little Asher. His middle name is Paul in honour of Simon's mom Pauline who passed away several years ago.
Asher was a very easy baby, which was a very good thing considering he had 2 older siblings who needed to be transported here there and everywhere. I was fortunate that he would was content to hang out in his car seat as well, so mommy could hit up the boxing gym.
Asher is a very active little man and has been breaking milestones early right from the start. He loves to climb anything and everything and it is not unusual to see him atop the table shaking his booty if I turn my back for even a moment. I hope that isn't a glimpse to his future career aspirations... He is super talkative and loves to parrot everything. The big kids take great pleasure in teaching him words like bum, fart, and boobies. Oy!
I am so excited to see what this little bundle of joy grows up to be. I don't know if Asher will be our last little one or not. Either way, I want to take the time to enjoy watching him grow. I want to remember that he will only be little once and though it can be tiresome chasing around a nutty toddler, someday I will miss the hysterical laughter as I pop out and say "boo" to him for the 100th time since breakfast.
I was overdue with all of my kids and Asher was no exception. He made up for his 5 day delay by arriving in a hurry! I went into labour around 4:30pm and I was holding him in my arms before 6:30pm. I was in labour and delivery for under 30 minutes before he arrived. We hadn't decided 100% on a name, nor did we know the gender prior to his arrival, but once they placed him on my chest, we knew he was our little Asher. His middle name is Paul in honour of Simon's mom Pauline who passed away several years ago.
Asher was a very easy baby, which was a very good thing considering he had 2 older siblings who needed to be transported here there and everywhere. I was fortunate that he would was content to hang out in his car seat as well, so mommy could hit up the boxing gym.
Asher is a very active little man and has been breaking milestones early right from the start. He loves to climb anything and everything and it is not unusual to see him atop the table shaking his booty if I turn my back for even a moment. I hope that isn't a glimpse to his future career aspirations... He is super talkative and loves to parrot everything. The big kids take great pleasure in teaching him words like bum, fart, and boobies. Oy!
I am so excited to see what this little bundle of joy grows up to be. I don't know if Asher will be our last little one or not. Either way, I want to take the time to enjoy watching him grow. I want to remember that he will only be little once and though it can be tiresome chasing around a nutty toddler, someday I will miss the hysterical laughter as I pop out and say "boo" to him for the 100th time since breakfast.
With a rush of pain you enter into the world.
Soft, warm and wet
They place you on my chest.
All the broken pieces seem to fall in place.
As we both look in wonder upon your tiny face.
So innocent, so pure
Not touched by this cruel place
We will be your keepers
to protect you from life's storms.
Rest now precious angel
lulled to sleep upon my breast
I love you my sweet child with every heartbeat in my chest.
Wednesday 2 July 2014
Miss Akira
What can I say about my Akira girl? She is so incredibly full of life. She can sometimes drive me me crazy with her persistent energy and antics, but I wouldn't want her to change a bit. It is hard to believe the out going little girl who can say the most inappropriate things at times used to be so quiet that she wouldn't speak to anyone when we were out in public. I actually should start writing down some of the phrases that come out of her... we dub them "Akiraisms".
Akira finished kindergarden this year. She breezed through the academics like nobody's business. It amazes me to sit and listen to her read. She devours books and is reading well above her grade level. I know every parent thinks there child is bright and amazing, but it feels great reading her teachers glowing words about her on her home report. Akira tells us she is going to be a doctor when she grows up and at the rate she is going, it wouldn't surprise me to see her achieve that goal.
Miss thing also loves gymnastics. She started in the kindergym program 2 years ago and has now progressed up to a competitive level. She works hard at it and seems to have a ton of fun. She is always doing handstands and working on her splits around the house.
I love my vivacious girl and I am looking forward to see her grow into a beautiful young woman both inside and out. She is full of personality and brings joy everywhere she goes!
Akira finished kindergarden this year. She breezed through the academics like nobody's business. It amazes me to sit and listen to her read. She devours books and is reading well above her grade level. I know every parent thinks there child is bright and amazing, but it feels great reading her teachers glowing words about her on her home report. Akira tells us she is going to be a doctor when she grows up and at the rate she is going, it wouldn't surprise me to see her achieve that goal.
Miss thing also loves gymnastics. She started in the kindergym program 2 years ago and has now progressed up to a competitive level. She works hard at it and seems to have a ton of fun. She is always doing handstands and working on her splits around the house.
I love my vivacious girl and I am looking forward to see her grow into a beautiful young woman both inside and out. She is full of personality and brings joy everywhere she goes!
Princess, diva, drama queen
sweet, kind, and smart
Spirit full of life and love.
Sassy lips with a compassionate heart.
Quick to answer
Loving with abandon
May your days be full of light and love
and darkness and loss be few
The world is your oyster little girl
Let your heart be your compass
as you journey on your path.
Tuesday 17 June 2014
Isaac
While I was in the hospital, I had a great deal of time to think about what really matters in my life. My family is so special and I am learning to cherish each moment with them and to try to be more patient and slower to react. So, I am going to take a moment to blog about each of my kids and what makes them so amazing.
I'll start with number one... Mr. Isaac. This little man is 7 years old and finishing grade 2. I often remark that he is an old soul. He really enjoys spending time talking with adults. He is very aware of peoples feelings and doesn't like to see anyone upset. He seems to carry the weight of the world on his little shoulders some days.
He is also a crazy climber. He has told us he is going to be the next American Ninja Warrior, and I don't doubt he could do it! He is in perpetual motion unless he is in front of a pile of Lego and then he could sit for hours creating. He is a pretty amazing kid (though I'm biased). I love this kid!
Isaac has had his challenges. He really struggled in school right from the beginning. He liked going, but he wasn't able to sit still and focus. It got to the point that he would come home in tears and call himself stupid because he wasn't able to do what the other kids did. He was diagnosed as ADHD and we made the very difficult decision to put him on a trial of medication. What a difference! He now does very well in school and more importantly feels so much better about himself. He is still a boy and still very active, but now he is actually able to focus during school. He is such a treasure.
I'll start with number one... Mr. Isaac. This little man is 7 years old and finishing grade 2. I often remark that he is an old soul. He really enjoys spending time talking with adults. He is very aware of peoples feelings and doesn't like to see anyone upset. He seems to carry the weight of the world on his little shoulders some days.
He is also a crazy climber. He has told us he is going to be the next American Ninja Warrior, and I don't doubt he could do it! He is in perpetual motion unless he is in front of a pile of Lego and then he could sit for hours creating. He is a pretty amazing kid (though I'm biased). I love this kid!
Isaac has had his challenges. He really struggled in school right from the beginning. He liked going, but he wasn't able to sit still and focus. It got to the point that he would come home in tears and call himself stupid because he wasn't able to do what the other kids did. He was diagnosed as ADHD and we made the very difficult decision to put him on a trial of medication. What a difference! He now does very well in school and more importantly feels so much better about himself. He is still a boy and still very active, but now he is actually able to focus during school. He is such a treasure.
Strong.
You seem to carry the weight of the world
upon your slender shoulders
You feel deeply
and love without condition
You grow and change everyday.
Life has not always been easy for you,
but you take each change as it comes.
I see the pain
in your solemn gaze.
You're growing into a man my love,
my firstborn.
I'd carry your burden if I could.
I cannot carry your pain my boy,
but in my arms find shelter
and know my heart will always hold you near.
Thursday 29 May 2014
Selfies and Yummy Muffins
I've not quite been home for a week and I seem to be settling in to "normal" life again. It is strange to go from such a controlled environment to complete freedom. It is a bit of a culture shock. In order to protect the patients and privacy, there are no phones or personal computers allowed on the psychiatric unit. Having no contact with the outside world was one of the biggest adjustments.
I never realized just how much time I spent on my phone or in front of the computer. At the beginning, I felt like I had lost my best friend. Now I am quite happy to putter around the house and skip the screen time. (Though I have to say I really missed out on all the Instagram applecheeks cuteness).
Now that I am home, I hope to focus on what matters... My family. I admit I've taken a few shameless selfies since my return to reality, but hey, who doesn't love a good selfie?? I am sad to say that I missed out on precious moments with my kids as I endlessly refreshed facebook or email. I learned from my psychiatrist to ask myself, "Five years from now, will this matter?". Time is precious and I don't want to waste it on the things that don't matter!
That said, I have enjoyed cooking, baking, and even cleaning. It is nice to be in my own domain. We've enjoyed some delicious treats as a result. Today's new recipe was for banana-strawberry muffins. They were a hit with everyone and they are nut-free, so they are school lunch friendly. The link for the recipe is: http://ldylvbgr.blogspot.ca/2008/09/strawberry-banana-chocolate-chip.html Enjoy!
Hug you kids, put down the phone, turn off the TV and enjoy those moments that fly by oh so quickly.
Shameless Mommy & me selfie
Oh so yummy muffins!
I never realized just how much time I spent on my phone or in front of the computer. At the beginning, I felt like I had lost my best friend. Now I am quite happy to putter around the house and skip the screen time. (Though I have to say I really missed out on all the Instagram applecheeks cuteness).
Now that I am home, I hope to focus on what matters... My family. I admit I've taken a few shameless selfies since my return to reality, but hey, who doesn't love a good selfie?? I am sad to say that I missed out on precious moments with my kids as I endlessly refreshed facebook or email. I learned from my psychiatrist to ask myself, "Five years from now, will this matter?". Time is precious and I don't want to waste it on the things that don't matter!
That said, I have enjoyed cooking, baking, and even cleaning. It is nice to be in my own domain. We've enjoyed some delicious treats as a result. Today's new recipe was for banana-strawberry muffins. They were a hit with everyone and they are nut-free, so they are school lunch friendly. The link for the recipe is: http://ldylvbgr.blogspot.ca/2008/09/strawberry-banana-chocolate-chip.html Enjoy!
Hug you kids, put down the phone, turn off the TV and enjoy those moments that fly by oh so quickly.
Wednesday 21 May 2014
The Stigma
Hi all! I know I've been off here for a long time. I've been sick. I have spent the last 10 weeks in the hospital. Now here's the kicker... I've been on the psychiatric floor, because I have a mental illness. Did your opinion of me just change? I know I am guilty of stigmatizing mental illness. I think we all do, but I hope I can do my part to change that stigma.
If I had been in hospital with a bad heart, or an infection, or needing surgery, no one would hesitate to pop in and say hello. My visitors were few and far between in the last 10 weeks. Because I was on the psych ward, it became awkward for people to stop by. I understand, but it was still hard. I am still Melanie. I just needed a mental tune-up.
As an ER nurse, I passed judgement on the mental health staff and patients alike. I no longer look down of either of them. I owe my life to the physicians and nurses and therapists on the psych ward. These men and women worked tirelessly to ensure my safety. When I thought there was no hope and I would never recover, they held my hand, hugged me and told me to be patient and recovery would come. They cheered for me when I had my first successful day pass and overnight pass.
I am happy to say that I am nearing the end of my in-hospital treatment. I am looking forward to being at home with my family for good. I will have to continue with therapy for awhile and I still have a lot of work to do before I'm "cured". I am going to make it my personal crusade to change the stigma around mental illness. I'd be willing to bet there are many people out there who have a story like mine.
If I had been in hospital with a bad heart, or an infection, or needing surgery, no one would hesitate to pop in and say hello. My visitors were few and far between in the last 10 weeks. Because I was on the psych ward, it became awkward for people to stop by. I understand, but it was still hard. I am still Melanie. I just needed a mental tune-up.
As an ER nurse, I passed judgement on the mental health staff and patients alike. I no longer look down of either of them. I owe my life to the physicians and nurses and therapists on the psych ward. These men and women worked tirelessly to ensure my safety. When I thought there was no hope and I would never recover, they held my hand, hugged me and told me to be patient and recovery would come. They cheered for me when I had my first successful day pass and overnight pass.
I am happy to say that I am nearing the end of my in-hospital treatment. I am looking forward to being at home with my family for good. I will have to continue with therapy for awhile and I still have a lot of work to do before I'm "cured". I am going to make it my personal crusade to change the stigma around mental illness. I'd be willing to bet there are many people out there who have a story like mine.
Wednesday 26 February 2014
The Winter Blahs
So, who's tired of winter?! It seems like this one has drug on forever!!! It is really taking it's toll on my mood, which in turn effects the whole family. Judging by the stack of snow that is still blanketing my front yard, it is time to pull up my big girl panties and face the winter blues head on.
First and foremost I am going to pay attention to what I am eating. Junk food= junk mood. I have been pretty good at eating clean since our return from vacation, but I've not been perfect. Now no one loves a perfectionist so I'm not going to beat myself up if I slip up. After all, being nice to myself is the first step in being nice to other people.
I've made a conscious effort to get some exercise this week as well. Granted, since I am training for a fight, exercise is kind of part of my normal routine. I decided to kick it up a notch this week. I have also attacked the clutter that has accumulated around the house with a vengeance. Sadly, I had a colossal melt down because my family wasn't jumping on the clean freak wagon... winter 1- Melanie 0.
I feel like it takes every once of my will power some days just to get out of my PJs. I am not a cold weather gal. I do not embrace the lovely snow. I have freezing cold hands and feet. I live in Canada and I hate winter. I admit it. Winter is a formidable enemy whom I have yet to conquer.
If the white, frozen nastiness doesn't stop soon I may lose my mind. I know that it isn't quite March yet, but please, please let's have some warm weather. Hey, I'd even take 1-2 degrees above 0 at this point. And windchill? Let's make windchill a distant memory or my family may not make it out of this winter with all their body parts intact.
I like to set a good example for my kids, but I am HORRIBLE when it comes to winter. I think they're looking forward to spring more than I am just to get nice mommy back again. Another day, another snow flake.... Let's beat the winter blahs!
First and foremost I am going to pay attention to what I am eating. Junk food= junk mood. I have been pretty good at eating clean since our return from vacation, but I've not been perfect. Now no one loves a perfectionist so I'm not going to beat myself up if I slip up. After all, being nice to myself is the first step in being nice to other people.
I've made a conscious effort to get some exercise this week as well. Granted, since I am training for a fight, exercise is kind of part of my normal routine. I decided to kick it up a notch this week. I have also attacked the clutter that has accumulated around the house with a vengeance. Sadly, I had a colossal melt down because my family wasn't jumping on the clean freak wagon... winter 1- Melanie 0.
I feel like it takes every once of my will power some days just to get out of my PJs. I am not a cold weather gal. I do not embrace the lovely snow. I have freezing cold hands and feet. I live in Canada and I hate winter. I admit it. Winter is a formidable enemy whom I have yet to conquer.
If the white, frozen nastiness doesn't stop soon I may lose my mind. I know that it isn't quite March yet, but please, please let's have some warm weather. Hey, I'd even take 1-2 degrees above 0 at this point. And windchill? Let's make windchill a distant memory or my family may not make it out of this winter with all their body parts intact.
I like to set a good example for my kids, but I am HORRIBLE when it comes to winter. I think they're looking forward to spring more than I am just to get nice mommy back again. Another day, another snow flake.... Let's beat the winter blahs!
You can't go play in the snow when the snow is over your head!
Oh look, it's the BBQ! I'm glad the deck didn't fall off...
Tuesday 11 February 2014
Be Careful What You Say
How often do we say things without a thought? I know I am guilty of speaking my mind without a filter sometimes. I have a really bad habit of negative self talk... Anyone with me on that?! It is such an ingrained habit that I am ashamed to admit it happens far too often.
Part of the New Year, New Me is about mental health, not just this physical. It is so much easier to work on the outside and push the mental health to the back burner. I had a BIG wake up call the other day. It's time to focus on emotional health.
We had only been back from vacation for a couple of days, and we were all still getting used to being back in our "normal" routine. Akira was having a tough day and ended up in big time melt down mode. She went off to her room like a screaming banshee while the dog and her brothers ran for cover. I let her carry on for a bit and when I thought she was starting to gain a bit of control, I went to talk.
I opened the door to find a heap of 6 year old little girl in a tear stained, puffy-eyed mess. I sat down on the floor with her and asked her what was going on. What she said next was like a punch in the gut. She proceeded to say something about herself that was a direct quote of what I have said about myself when I'm in melt-down mode. Ouch! It broke my heart to see my little girl hiccuping and wiping her runny nose on her sleeve knowing that I had passed on this self-laothing type of thinking. Definitely not the legacy I want to leave.
Akira and I snuggled there on her floor for a little while and talked about all the good things we see in each other. We were able to talk about the difference between "being a bad girl" and having bad behaviour. In the end, she felt comforted and reassured and I felt determined to turn my own thinking around. I don't want to be a negative impact like that!
What I learned from that moment? My kids are always listening, even when I think they aren't. I need to speak positive thoughts about myself in front of them. Your words define you, so be careful what you say. It's like the post I've seen floating around facebook recently about the broken plate. You can apologize to the broken plate, but it is still broken. It's my job as a parent to teach these little people how to make it and how to be okay. I'm looking forward to learning to speak good things and not the bad!
Part of the New Year, New Me is about mental health, not just this physical. It is so much easier to work on the outside and push the mental health to the back burner. I had a BIG wake up call the other day. It's time to focus on emotional health.
We had only been back from vacation for a couple of days, and we were all still getting used to being back in our "normal" routine. Akira was having a tough day and ended up in big time melt down mode. She went off to her room like a screaming banshee while the dog and her brothers ran for cover. I let her carry on for a bit and when I thought she was starting to gain a bit of control, I went to talk.
I opened the door to find a heap of 6 year old little girl in a tear stained, puffy-eyed mess. I sat down on the floor with her and asked her what was going on. What she said next was like a punch in the gut. She proceeded to say something about herself that was a direct quote of what I have said about myself when I'm in melt-down mode. Ouch! It broke my heart to see my little girl hiccuping and wiping her runny nose on her sleeve knowing that I had passed on this self-laothing type of thinking. Definitely not the legacy I want to leave.
Akira and I snuggled there on her floor for a little while and talked about all the good things we see in each other. We were able to talk about the difference between "being a bad girl" and having bad behaviour. In the end, she felt comforted and reassured and I felt determined to turn my own thinking around. I don't want to be a negative impact like that!
What I learned from that moment? My kids are always listening, even when I think they aren't. I need to speak positive thoughts about myself in front of them. Your words define you, so be careful what you say. It's like the post I've seen floating around facebook recently about the broken plate. You can apologize to the broken plate, but it is still broken. It's my job as a parent to teach these little people how to make it and how to be okay. I'm looking forward to learning to speak good things and not the bad!
Wednesday 5 February 2014
Eating Clean
I have started this year with the goal to change my family's eating habits and my own mental fitness. We have been doing fairly well, but I didn't realize just how much of an impact our healthy eating had until we went away. I am an American by birth, and my parents still live there. So, on our recent vacation we went to Baltimore to visit them.
I had full intentions to continue to eat clean while we were away. Unfortunately that only lasted for a few days. Slowly but surely eating out and childhood treats began to take over my carefully laid plans of keeping it clean. For those of you who know me, I am kind of an all or nothing gal. Once I started down the slippery slope of poor eating, I just jumped right into the mountain of mounds bars.... and cheez-its. Man oh man, they tasted so good at the time, but I began to feel kind of gross and grouchy!
I am a firm believer in doing my best to be a non-hypocritcal parent and to lead by example. For instance, how can I tell my kids not to spend so much time on "electronic play" if I have my face buried in my i-phone? I feel the same way about eating. How can I say "hey kids, you can have an apple for a snack" while I stuff my face with cheez-its and chocolate?
By the last few days of our visit, we were all feeling the effects of how we were eating. Isaac in particular was way off his game. Isaac has ADHD and is on medication (that will be another post all together, our journey with ADHD). He was alternating between wild and unable to slow down, to major melt-downs and outbursts of anger. I didn't even clue in (duh) as to how our eating habits could be playing a part in all the drama.
The car ride home was interesting to say the least. To quote Forest Gump, "That's about all I have to say about that". Trying to make good time +3 kids + a dog+ and unorganized mom = quickie snack like "meals" full of processed junk. Not a good combination.
When we finally returned home, I cleaned out the fridge and headed to the grocery store. I was in such a mood by that time I remember threatening to not come home from the store! But alas, I did return with the determination to get us all back on track again. I enjoyed all the tasty treats while we were away, but I did not enjoy the way they made me feel and the way they sent the kids on a tailspin.
We've only been back a couple of days and I can already see everyone coming down from their processed high. I am less emotional, the kids are sleeping better and less prone to melt-downs. It's really nice! I've always been skeptical about clean eating and mood. Now I am a firm believer! It really is true about how you fuel your body. Keep the engine clean!!
The car ride home was interesting to say the least. To quote Forest Gump, "That's about all I have to say about that". Trying to make good time +3 kids + a dog+ and unorganized mom = quickie snack like "meals" full of processed junk. Not a good combination.
When we finally returned home, I cleaned out the fridge and headed to the grocery store. I was in such a mood by that time I remember threatening to not come home from the store! But alas, I did return with the determination to get us all back on track again. I enjoyed all the tasty treats while we were away, but I did not enjoy the way they made me feel and the way they sent the kids on a tailspin.
We've only been back a couple of days and I can already see everyone coming down from their processed high. I am less emotional, the kids are sleeping better and less prone to melt-downs. It's really nice! I've always been skeptical about clean eating and mood. Now I am a firm believer! It really is true about how you fuel your body. Keep the engine clean!!
Friday 31 January 2014
Rescue Pup
So, as I said in a previous post, we are visiting my parents in Baltimore. We have had a great visit where everyone has stayed up late and slept in in the mornings. It's been great. We've shopped, seen family, been to the movies, and Simon and I even got out for a date! We were also able to be here to support mom and dad as they lost their dog of many, many years; Buster.
Charlie, my parents remaining dog has been a joy for my kids and has reinforced the feelings that our family is missing a four-legged piece. We had a shelter dog in the past, Lucy. who was the best thing that happened to my eldest. I always say that my Isaac is an old soul and Lucy was his best buddy to whom he could talk to. She was a soothing presence to his sometimes wired soul. We lost Lucy about 2 years ago, and Isaac will still tear up when he sees her picture.
Simon and I had a chat (I may have been a bit persuasive) and decided to call up the local SPCA and see if adoption was an option as it would be out of country. The shelter didn't foresee a problem with us adopting, so off Simon and I went to have a look at the dogs. There were many to choose from, but 2 that caught our eye. Maxwell, an English bulldog mix with a HUGE head and Lombard, a shepherd mix with a sweet face and a gentle disposition.
We came home with pictures to show the kids. They immediately shouted that Lombard was going to be the one. We had a day to think about things and then we took the kids in to meet the dogs. Akira was overwhelmed by the noise and Isaac thought it was "stinky" Asher pointed at all of the dogs shouting "tee, tee woo, woo, woo". We took them to the area that housed Maxwell and Lombard and both kids dropped to their knees at Lombard's cage and stated that this was "the one".
We found the staff person and arranged to meet Lombard in the meet and greet room. He came in very calmly and quietly. Isaac, though we had asked him to restrain himself, immediately put his arms around Lombard's neck and declared his love. Akira was excited about how soft his ears were and Asher thumped him on the head and yelled "tee".
I knew Lombard was the boy for us. Any dog that was that tolerant of a group of loud, strange kids was a-ok in my books. I also knew that Lombard needed a new name. He was found at the corner of Lombard St, hence his name, but it just didn't suit him.
We all piled into the car to head home and prepare to bring Lombard home with us. I was anxious and felt like a new parent getting ready to bring home a new baby. And what were we going to name him?! This plagued me and I admit I tossed and turned and chased names around my head all night. Nothing was just right. We had a few that we agreed on, but I never had that "aha" moment.
We were in the van on the way to pick him up and Simon said that he had had a thought while he was in the shower. He suggested Sauver... french for saved or rescued. It was perfect!! We arrived at the shelter, signed the final paperwork and prepared to bring our boy home. He hoped into the car like he'd done it a million times. He alternated between looking out the window and lying down next to Asher's car seat. We had found a new family member.
He seems to be settling in quite nicely. Now we just have to wait and see how he'll make out on the LONG drive home...
Charlie, my parents remaining dog has been a joy for my kids and has reinforced the feelings that our family is missing a four-legged piece. We had a shelter dog in the past, Lucy. who was the best thing that happened to my eldest. I always say that my Isaac is an old soul and Lucy was his best buddy to whom he could talk to. She was a soothing presence to his sometimes wired soul. We lost Lucy about 2 years ago, and Isaac will still tear up when he sees her picture.
Simon and I had a chat (I may have been a bit persuasive) and decided to call up the local SPCA and see if adoption was an option as it would be out of country. The shelter didn't foresee a problem with us adopting, so off Simon and I went to have a look at the dogs. There were many to choose from, but 2 that caught our eye. Maxwell, an English bulldog mix with a HUGE head and Lombard, a shepherd mix with a sweet face and a gentle disposition.
We came home with pictures to show the kids. They immediately shouted that Lombard was going to be the one. We had a day to think about things and then we took the kids in to meet the dogs. Akira was overwhelmed by the noise and Isaac thought it was "stinky" Asher pointed at all of the dogs shouting "tee, tee woo, woo, woo". We took them to the area that housed Maxwell and Lombard and both kids dropped to their knees at Lombard's cage and stated that this was "the one".
We found the staff person and arranged to meet Lombard in the meet and greet room. He came in very calmly and quietly. Isaac, though we had asked him to restrain himself, immediately put his arms around Lombard's neck and declared his love. Akira was excited about how soft his ears were and Asher thumped him on the head and yelled "tee".
I knew Lombard was the boy for us. Any dog that was that tolerant of a group of loud, strange kids was a-ok in my books. I also knew that Lombard needed a new name. He was found at the corner of Lombard St, hence his name, but it just didn't suit him.
We all piled into the car to head home and prepare to bring Lombard home with us. I was anxious and felt like a new parent getting ready to bring home a new baby. And what were we going to name him?! This plagued me and I admit I tossed and turned and chased names around my head all night. Nothing was just right. We had a few that we agreed on, but I never had that "aha" moment.
We were in the van on the way to pick him up and Simon said that he had had a thought while he was in the shower. He suggested Sauver... french for saved or rescued. It was perfect!! We arrived at the shelter, signed the final paperwork and prepared to bring our boy home. He hoped into the car like he'd done it a million times. He alternated between looking out the window and lying down next to Asher's car seat. We had found a new family member.
He seems to be settling in quite nicely. Now we just have to wait and see how he'll make out on the LONG drive home...
Monday 27 January 2014
Liebster Award
Liebster Award
I just got nominated for my first Liebster Award so exciting!
You then nominate 11 other bloggers (with less than 200 followers) and give them 11 questions to answer!
11 Random Facts about me:
1. I always dreamed about having a huge family as a child (I wanted 10 kids)
2. I have been skydiving and I LOVE it!
3. I ran 2 marathons simply because someone told me I would never have the discipline to complete one.
4. I am an amateur boxer.
5. I have dual US and Canadian citizenship.
6. I am terrified of balloons and cringe at going to kids birthday parties as a result.
7. I love NYC and if I was young and single could see myself living there.
8. I am an only child.
9. I have delivered all of my kids naturally and my longest labour was only 6 hours.
10. I lived on Vancouver Island for about 11 years and I think the west coast is beautiful!!
11. I love writing poetry and took many english/lit courses as electives when getting my BN.
Questions for me:
1. Is your family complete?
I don't know. I have 3 and would be happy with more, but my hubby and I are both "old" so who knows??
2.What is your go-to weeknight dinner?
I'd have to say chicken stir-fry.
3.What was your favourite stage of your child's/children's development?
That's a tough one! I think around age 1 when they are really exploring and discovering and so fascinated with
everything is pretty cool
4.What is your favourite candy?
mounds bars5.How did you first meet your SO
We were in a public speaking competition (I beat him).6.What is you average daily outfit?
Comfy pants and a t-shirt or scrubs if I'm working.
7.What is your guilty pleasure TV show?
Sex sent me to the ER on TLC... too funny and too true
8.You are childless for half an hour, what do you do?
Sleep or shower or sleep in the shower haha
9.Which of your children's toys do you like to play with the most?
The x-box.... because of course we bought it for the kids ;)
10.What is your favourite new life-hack?
Hmmmm.... I'll have to think about this one!
11.What is your favourite kind of muffin and why?
My homemade banana chocolate chip muffins, but I'm not a big fan of muffins in general, so I only make them
once in a blue moon.
I am a newbie blogger and really don't know anyone here in blog land... I'd be happy to nominate you if you give
me a shout out!!
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