Out of the Shadow and into the Light

 
  I have battled dark thoughts all of my life. As I have talked about in previous posts, I am no stranger to depression nor its debilitating effects. I have spent a great deal of time trying to find joy and satisfaction in my job, my kids, and my husband. All of those things make me happy and make me laugh, but there was always a dark shadow on my heart.
  I have had experiences in relationships that made me so angry and so dead inside. My heart had turned to stone. I came to a point just before my time in the hospital that I felt unable to experience any kind of emotion. I was walking in a haze through life just trying to stay alive, until I just couldn't do it any more.
   During my stay in the hospital, my two dear neighbors Andrea and Beth came to visit bearing treats and card games. It was hard to see them the first time they visited, but it was nice to just play a game with  friendly faces and forget about where I was and why I was there for just a little while. They also brought books about escaping from the darkness where I was that were Bible based. I immediately put the books on the shelf, because I believe God had "left the building" so to speak and left me to rot on my own.
   Part of the team approach on the psychiatric ward is spiritual care. It became apparent to everyone who spent time with me that I had a spiritual conflict going on and I needed to decide if God was in my future or not. This was one aspect of my care that I was not ready to deal with prior to my discharge from the hospital.
   While I had been in the hospital, Andrea had been taking my kids to church. They seemed to enjoy it and I wanted to let them continue if they wanted to. I was not eager to return to church, so I spent several weeks making promises to the kids that we would go and then making excuses when we didn't. We had previously gone to a different church and enjoyed it, but the kids really seemed to click with Kings Valley.
   After much internal debate and struggle, I decided to bite the bullet and check out Andrea's church. I was half nervous and half on the defense on that first Sunday. I was on the look out for fake people. I was waiting for judgement and thinking, "if they knew who I was and what I have done, there is no way they would want me in here". I saw nothing but friendly faces and I was impressed by the "realness" of the pastor's message.
     Fast forward to last week's post... I have been enjoying going to church and I even had started to read my Bible a bit in the mornings, but there was still that deep sense of shame hanging over me. I really believed that this was as good as it was going to get. Little did I know what was waiting for me.
   Pastor Brent spoke on Sunday about giving to God. Of course I knew about giving financially and about giving time, and talent, etc. But like an arrow to my heart, I had the thought about handing over my sense of shame and condemnation. You see, as much as I hated the feeling of defeat and shame, I clung to it like a security blanket because it was familiar and safe. Tears of fear and excitement flooded my eyes. Could I really give this to God and feel free?
  I went to the front of the church and began to pray that the Lord would open my hands, so that I could let go of the condemnation that I was holding on to. There was no booming voice from heaven nor flashes of lightening. There was simply a sweet sense of peace and a spark of joy where there had once been only dark and hurt and fear.
  I know this doesn't mean that I won't still struggle and that there won't be days that are challenging. The difference now is that I have made a decision that I don't need to hold onto all of that crap from the past. I remind myself everyday that it isn't my burden to carry anymore. I know being a Christian brings negative thoughts immediately to the minds of many, but I hope to live my life in a way that is gracious and compassionate.
  I am still me. I still like boxing and reading and goofing off with my kids. I just have made a choice that I want to walk the rest of this life with the Lord, who will carry my pain for me. I choose eternal joy over momentary happiness. I don't want to worry any longer about being who I think other people want me to be and start living the life I was meant to live.