Miss Akira

   What can I say about my Akira girl? She is so incredibly full of life. She can sometimes drive me me crazy with her persistent energy and antics, but I wouldn't want her to change a bit. It is hard to believe the out going little girl who can say the most inappropriate things at times used to be so quiet that she wouldn't speak to anyone when we were out in public. I actually should start writing down some of the phrases that come out of her... we dub them "Akiraisms".
    Akira finished kindergarden this year. She breezed through the academics like nobody's business. It amazes me to sit and listen to her read. She devours books and is reading well above her grade level. I know every parent thinks there child is bright and amazing, but it feels great reading her teachers glowing words about her on her home report. Akira tells us she is going to be a doctor when she grows up and at the rate she is going, it wouldn't surprise me to see her achieve that goal.
   Miss thing also loves gymnastics. She started in the kindergym program 2 years ago and has now progressed up to a competitive level. She works hard at it and seems to have a ton of fun. She is always doing handstands and working on her splits around the house.
   I love my vivacious girl and I am looking forward to see her grow into a beautiful young woman both inside and out. She is full of personality and brings joy everywhere she goes!

Princess, diva, drama queen

sweet, kind, and smart

Spirit full of life and love.

Sassy lips with a compassionate heart.

Quick to answer

Loving with abandon

May your days be full of light and love

and darkness and loss be few

The world is your oyster little girl

Let your heart be your compass

as you journey on your path.

Isaac

  While I was in the hospital, I had a great deal of time to think about what really matters in my life. My family is so special and I am learning to cherish each moment with them and to try to be more patient and slower to react. So, I am going to take a moment to blog about each of my kids and what makes them so amazing.
  I'll start with number one... Mr. Isaac. This little man is 7 years old and finishing grade 2. I often remark that he is an old soul. He really enjoys spending time talking with adults. He is very aware of peoples feelings and doesn't like to see anyone upset. He seems to carry the weight of the world on his little shoulders some days.
  He is also a crazy climber. He has told us he is going to be the next American Ninja Warrior, and I don't doubt he could do it! He is in perpetual motion unless he is in front of a pile of Lego and then he could sit for hours creating. He is a pretty amazing kid (though I'm biased). I love this kid!
  Isaac has had his challenges. He really struggled in school right from the beginning. He liked going, but he wasn't able to sit still and focus. It got to the point that he would come home in tears and call himself stupid because he wasn't able to do what the other kids did. He was diagnosed as ADHD and we made the very difficult decision to put him on a trial of medication. What a difference! He now does very well in school and more importantly feels so much better about himself. He is still a boy and still very active, but now he is actually able to focus during school. He is such a treasure.

Strong.

You seem to carry the weight of the world

upon your slender shoulders

You feel deeply

and love without condition

You grow and change everyday.

Life has not always been easy for you,

but you take each change as it comes.

I see the pain

in your solemn gaze.

You're growing into a man my love,

my firstborn.

I'd carry your burden if I could.

I cannot carry your pain my boy, 

but in my arms find shelter

and know my heart will always hold you near.

Selfies and Yummy Muffins

   I've not quite been home for a week and I seem to be settling in to "normal" life again. It is strange to go from such a controlled environment to complete freedom. It is a bit of a culture shock. In order to protect the patients and privacy, there are no phones or personal computers allowed on the psychiatric unit. Having no contact with the outside world was one of the biggest adjustments.
   I never realized just how much time I spent on my phone or in front of the computer. At the beginning, I felt like I had lost my best friend. Now I am quite happy to putter around the house and skip the screen time. (Though I have to say I really missed out on all the Instagram applecheeks cuteness).
   Now that I am home, I hope to focus on what matters... My family. I admit I've taken a few shameless selfies since my return to reality, but hey, who doesn't love a good selfie?? I am sad to say that I missed out on precious moments with my kids as I endlessly refreshed facebook or email. I learned from my psychiatrist to ask myself, "Five years from now, will this matter?". Time is precious and I don't want to waste it on the things that don't matter!
    That said, I have enjoyed cooking, baking, and even cleaning. It is nice to be in my own domain. We've enjoyed some delicious treats as a result. Today's new recipe was for banana-strawberry muffins. They were a hit with everyone and they are nut-free, so they are school lunch friendly. The link for the recipe is:  http://ldylvbgr.blogspot.ca/2008/09/strawberry-banana-chocolate-chip.html Enjoy!
    Hug you kids, put down the phone, turn off the TV and enjoy those moments that fly by oh so quickly.

                                                 Shameless Mommy & me selfie                            
                 

                                                            Oh so yummy muffins!

The Stigma

  Hi all! I know I've been off here for a long time. I've been sick. I have spent the last 10 weeks in the hospital. Now here's the kicker... I've been on the psychiatric floor, because I have a mental illness. Did your opinion of me just change? I know I am guilty of stigmatizing mental illness. I think we all do, but I hope I can do my part to change that stigma.
   If I had been in hospital with a bad heart, or an infection, or needing surgery, no one would hesitate to pop in and say hello. My visitors were few and far between in the last 10 weeks. Because I was on the psych ward, it became awkward for people to stop by. I understand, but it was still hard. I am still Melanie. I just needed a mental tune-up.
   As an ER nurse, I passed judgement on the mental health staff and patients alike. I no longer look down of either of them. I owe my life to the physicians and nurses and therapists on the psych ward. These men and women worked tirelessly to ensure my safety. When I thought there was no hope and I would never recover, they held my hand, hugged me and told me to be patient and recovery would come. They cheered for me when I had my first successful day pass and overnight pass.
   I am happy to say that I am nearing the end of my in-hospital treatment. I am looking forward to being at home with my family for good. I will have to continue with therapy for awhile and I still have a lot of work to do before I'm "cured". I am going to make it my personal crusade to change the stigma around mental illness. I'd be willing to bet there are many people out there who have a story like mine.

The Winter Blahs

     So, who's tired of winter?! It seems like this one has drug on forever!!! It is really taking it's toll on my mood, which in turn effects the whole family. Judging by the stack of snow that is still blanketing my front yard, it is time to pull up my big girl panties and face the winter blues head on.
     First and foremost I am going to pay attention to what I am eating. Junk food= junk mood. I have been pretty good at eating clean since our return from vacation, but I've not been perfect. Now no one loves a perfectionist so I'm not going to beat myself up if I slip up. After all, being nice to myself is the first step in being nice to other people.
     I've made a conscious effort to get some exercise this week as well. Granted, since I am training for a fight, exercise is kind of part of my normal routine. I decided to kick it up a notch this week. I have also attacked the clutter that has accumulated around the house with a vengeance. Sadly, I had a colossal melt down because my family wasn't jumping on the clean freak wagon... winter 1- Melanie 0.
     I feel like it takes every once of my will power some days just to get out of my PJs. I am not a cold weather gal. I do not embrace the lovely snow. I have freezing cold hands and feet. I live in Canada and I hate winter. I admit it. Winter is a formidable enemy whom I have yet to conquer.
     If the white, frozen nastiness doesn't stop soon I may lose my mind. I know that it isn't quite March yet, but please, please let's have some warm weather. Hey, I'd even take 1-2 degrees above 0 at this point. And windchill? Let's make windchill a distant memory or my family may not make it out of this winter with all their body parts intact.
     I like to set a good example for my kids, but I am HORRIBLE when it comes to winter. I think they're looking forward to spring more than I am just to get nice mommy back again. Another day, another snow flake.... Let's beat the winter blahs!

 

You can't go play in the snow when the snow is over your head!

Oh look, it's the BBQ! I'm glad the deck didn't fall off...

Be Careful What You Say

    How often do we say things without a thought? I know I am guilty of speaking my mind without a filter sometimes. I have a really bad habit of negative self talk... Anyone with me on that?! It is such an ingrained habit that I am ashamed to admit it happens far too often.
   Part of the New Year, New Me is about mental health, not just this physical. It is so much easier to work on the outside and push the mental health to the back burner. I had a BIG wake up call the other day. It's time to focus on emotional health.
   We had only been back from vacation for a couple of days, and we were all still getting used to being back in our "normal" routine. Akira was having a tough day and ended up in big time melt down mode. She went off to her room like a screaming banshee while the dog and her brothers ran for cover. I let her carry on for a bit and when I thought she was starting to gain a bit of control, I went to talk.
     I opened the door to find a heap of 6 year old little girl in a tear stained, puffy-eyed mess. I sat down on the floor with her and asked her what was going on. What she said next was like a punch in the gut. She proceeded to say something about herself that was a direct quote of what I have said about myself when I'm in melt-down mode. Ouch! It broke my heart to see my little girl hiccuping and wiping her runny nose on her sleeve knowing that I had passed on this self-laothing type of thinking. Definitely not the legacy I want to leave.
    Akira and I snuggled there on her floor for a little while and talked about all the good things we see in each other. We were able to talk about the difference between "being a bad girl" and having bad behaviour. In the end, she felt comforted and reassured and I felt determined to turn my own thinking around. I don't want to be a negative impact like that!
   What I learned from that moment? My kids are always listening, even when I think they aren't. I need to speak positive thoughts about myself in front of them. Your words define you, so be careful what you say. It's like the post I've seen floating around facebook recently about the broken plate. You can apologize to the broken plate, but it is still broken. It's my job as  a parent to teach these little people how to make it and how to be okay. I'm looking forward to learning to speak good things and not the bad!

Eating Clean

     I have started this year with the goal to change my family's eating habits and my own mental fitness. We have been doing fairly well, but I didn't realize just how much of an impact our healthy eating had until we went away. I am an American by birth, and my parents still live there. So, on our recent vacation we went to Baltimore to visit them.

     I had full intentions to continue to eat clean while we were away. Unfortunately that only lasted for a few days. Slowly but surely eating out and childhood treats began to take over my carefully laid plans of keeping it clean. For those of you who know me, I am kind of an all or nothing gal. Once I started down the slippery slope of poor eating, I just jumped right into the mountain of mounds bars.... and cheez-its. Man oh man, they tasted so good at the time, but I began to feel kind of gross and grouchy! 

     I am a firm believer in doing my best to be a non-hypocritcal parent and to lead by example. For instance, how can I tell my kids not to spend so much time on "electronic play" if I have my face buried in my i-phone? I feel the same way about eating. How can I say "hey kids, you can have an apple for a snack" while I stuff my face with cheez-its and chocolate? 

    By the last few days of our visit, we were all feeling the effects of how we were eating. Isaac in particular was way off his game. Isaac has ADHD and is on medication (that will be another post all together, our journey with ADHD). He was alternating between wild and unable to slow down, to major melt-downs and outbursts of anger. I didn't even clue in (duh) as to how our eating habits could be playing a part in all the drama.
    The car ride home was interesting to say the least. To quote Forest Gump, "That's about all I have to say about that". Trying to make good time +3 kids + a dog+ and unorganized mom = quickie snack like "meals" full of processed junk. Not a good combination.
      When we finally returned home, I cleaned out the fridge and headed to the grocery store. I was in such a mood by that time I remember threatening to not come home from the store! But alas, I did return with the determination to get us all back on track again. I enjoyed all the tasty treats while we were away, but I did not enjoy the way they made me feel and the way they sent the kids on a tailspin.
      We've only been back a couple of days and I can already see everyone coming down from their processed high. I am less emotional, the kids are sleeping better and less prone to melt-downs. It's really nice! I've always been skeptical about clean eating and mood. Now I am a firm believer! It really is true about how you fuel your body. Keep the engine clean!!