Monday 28 July 2014

2 Months Later

   It has been about 2 months since my discharge from the hospital. The easy answer when I'm asked how I'm doing is always, "fine" or "great". I admit there was a definite honeymoon phase after I got home where I felt like I was on cloud nine and that I could conquer the world. I was confident that I had beat the beast and that life was going to be a breeze.
   The reality is that depression really stinks. I am so incredibly blessed with 3 beautiful, healthy kids and with a husband who is so supportive. He managed to care for all the kids and get them to all their activities for 10 weeks while I worked on getting well. So why is it that I still battle every day with depression?
   It is hard to explain what it's like to be in the head of someone who suffers from a mental illness. Like I said I am incredibly blessed, so why do I feel like I can't make it through another day sometimes? It makes me feel guilty, which causes me to feel even worse; it is a vicious cycle. I look at the faces of my sweet baby (okay so not such a baby anymore) and think why can't I just snap out of this? Why can't I just feel good?
  I don't have all of the answers and I know that I probably never will. What I do know is that I can't give up. I have to get myself up everyday, take my meds and fight, fight, fight. I no longer live in the delusion that life will be rainbows and unicorns everyday. I know that I need to work it out with my counsellor, take my medication, be honest with those around me who love me and support me, and never give up.
  I don't like posts on facebook full of drama or posts that fish for sympathy. What I hope comes of "putting myself out there" a little bit is that the nasty stigma that surrounds mental health will be reduced. I like to keep the blog full of life and share with you my family and all of the goofy things that make us who we are. Every once in awhile, I will get real and share a bit of my story.
   Most people when they think of mental illness they picture someone talking to themselves or rocking in a corner. You never know who around you may be battling depression or anxiety or bi-polar, etc. I am a wife, a mother, a nurse and I have a mental illness. Be kind to those around you, treat others the way that you would like to be treated. Thank you to all of you who have been so supportive in this journey! xoxo

Wednesday 9 July 2014

And Asher Makes 3

   Last, but not least is the "baby". Asher really isn't much of baby anymore and lately seems to act more like a 2 year old than the 19 month old that he is. As with all of my sweet babes, he brings light and life into our family.
   I was overdue with all of my kids and Asher was no exception. He made up for his 5 day delay by arriving in a hurry! I went into labour around 4:30pm and I was holding him in my arms before 6:30pm. I was in labour and delivery for under 30 minutes before he arrived. We hadn't decided 100% on a name, nor did we know the gender prior to his arrival, but once they placed him on my chest, we knew he was our little Asher. His middle name is Paul in honour of Simon's mom Pauline who passed away several years ago.
   Asher was a very easy baby, which was a very good thing considering he had 2 older siblings who needed to be transported here there and everywhere. I was fortunate that he would was content to hang out in his  car seat as well, so mommy could hit up the boxing gym.
   Asher is a very active little man and has been breaking milestones early right from the start. He loves to climb anything and everything and it is not unusual to see him atop the table shaking his booty if I turn my back for even a moment. I hope that isn't a glimpse to his future career aspirations... He is super talkative and loves to parrot everything. The big kids take great pleasure in teaching him words like bum, fart, and boobies. Oy!
    I am so excited to see what this little bundle of joy grows up to be. I don't know if Asher will be our last little one or not. Either way, I want to take the time to enjoy watching him grow. I want to remember that he will only be little once and though it can be tiresome chasing around a nutty toddler, someday I will miss the hysterical laughter as I pop out and say "boo" to him for the 100th time since breakfast.



With a rush of pain you enter into the world.
Soft, warm and wet
They place you on my chest.
All the broken pieces seem to fall in place.
As we both look in wonder upon your tiny face.
So innocent, so pure
Not touched by this cruel place
We will be your keepers
to protect you from life's storms.
Rest now precious angel
lulled to sleep upon my breast
I love you my sweet child with every heartbeat in my chest.







Wednesday 2 July 2014

Miss Akira

   What can I say about my Akira girl? She is so incredibly full of life. She can sometimes drive me me crazy with her persistent energy and antics, but I wouldn't want her to change a bit. It is hard to believe the out going little girl who can say the most inappropriate things at times used to be so quiet that she wouldn't speak to anyone when we were out in public. I actually should start writing down some of the phrases that come out of her... we dub them "Akiraisms".
    Akira finished kindergarden this year. She breezed through the academics like nobody's business. It amazes me to sit and listen to her read. She devours books and is reading well above her grade level. I know every parent thinks there child is bright and amazing, but it feels great reading her teachers glowing words about her on her home report. Akira tells us she is going to be a doctor when she grows up and at the rate she is going, it wouldn't surprise me to see her achieve that goal.
   Miss thing also loves gymnastics. She started in the kindergym program 2 years ago and has now progressed up to a competitive level. She works hard at it and seems to have a ton of fun. She is always doing handstands and working on her splits around the house.
   I love my vivacious girl and I am looking forward to see her grow into a beautiful young woman both inside and out. She is full of personality and brings joy everywhere she goes!



Princess, diva, drama queen
sweet, kind, and smart
Spirit full of life and love.
Sassy lips with a compassionate heart.
Quick to answer
Loving with abandon
May your days be full of light and love
and darkness and loss be few
The world is your oyster little girl
Let your heart be your compass
as you journey on your path.